8 Early signs of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. The bond is created due to a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. All trauma-bonded relationships follow certain stages that keep repeating endlessly and it's hard to quit these relationships as you no longer understand what's coming next. This rollercoaster of emotions (negative and positive) makes these extremely addictive and had to quit.

Trauma bonding can happen in intimate as well as platonic relationships, even at work.

Though these patterns take time to emerge, you can only be sure of them once you've spent considerable time with your partner. Here are a few early red flags to protect you from getting into such relationships:

1. Glib and charm

We all enjoy people who walk around with certain charisma and charm. It's a trait that draws us to know them more. When you see too much slickness and a complete lack of humility and self-consciousness, it's your cue to understand that a few personality traits will bother you later.

What can you do? Become charm-proof, investigate, and learn to differentiate between words and actions. Always look out for a supporting action after their words.

2. Future Faking and Over-Promising

Doesn't it feel so good that the person you just met already includes you in their future plans? A holiday is proposed right on the first date, they talk about you moving in together within a month. But wait, it never really happens. You keep waiting for them to turn their words into actions and keep playing their game.

What can you do? Always wait. Wait to see the actions before you buy their tall plans around your relationship. Be realistic and ask questions like, 'How are we going to do this?', 'Who's financing that?'. These questions usually help you keep realistic expectations from the relationship and help you not get trapped in the faked future.

3. Are you feeling rushed?

Does it feel like everything is happening too fast and you aren't even able to catch your breath? Are there incidences where you wanted to say NO but instead said YES as you'd have lost a golden opportunity? These are very early signs of someone rushing you into things without giving you enough time to think and feel.

What can you do? Relax, take a deep breath. When someone proposes something don't feel obligated to reply to them right away. Ask them politely for some time to think about it. Think it over and then reply.

4. Intense and Inconsistent

You go on these massively engaging dates, there is a great meal followed by a dance. You spend the most magical night with them. Next week you wait for them to contact you again and repeat it perhaps. It doesn't happen. A fortnight later they appear again on another intense date. The problem with this scenario is that most individuals don't enjoy inconsistency in relationships, it makes

the questions themselves and also erodes the trust in the person.

What can you do? If you see this happening in your relationship, have a conversation with them. Ask them to be more consistent with their communication. Let go of the fear that you're being too needy (they'll make you feel that). If you see no change in their behavioral pattern after talking, consider whether this relationship is correct for you.

5. Their stories don't add up

You have heard the story about their break-up a few times, and every time there’s a slightly different narrative. They lie and give lame excuses for not meeting. You feel there is something off as you would never do that in a situation like that. Inconsistency in what they say is a big tell-tale sign of unabashed lying in the future too.

What can you do? Don’t get swayed by tall stories, be realistic. Keep yourself grounded in facts and what you see in actions. Don’t be afraid to call out the bullshit when you feel the lies are affecting you.

6. Destructive behavior and the need to break the social laws

These traits usually make their first appearance as confidence and leadership. They get you the best seats in the stadium (without paying extra), and they jump the red light, just for fun. You see them initiating conversations with strangers and getting special favors. These things look cute in the beginning and only start bothering you when you see the overt manipulation that comes with it.

What can you do? Be observant. If they can manipulate others, they can manipulate you too.

7. Ask you to block people

It’s a huge red flag when someone asks you to stop talking to your friends or family. It’s a sign of coercive control. They want all your attention to come to them and create a fairy tale of being the ‘good guy’ and the world being the ‘bad wolf’.

What can you do? You should never stop talking to friends or abandon family just because you found someone to love. Always create a healthy balance of love, individual time and friends.

8. Is the relationship consuming you? Do you feel obsessed?

Do you now find yourself doing less and less of things that you loved earlier? Are you losing interest in work and your performance is deteriorating? Do you constantly wait for contact with them? Do you only get your focus back when speaking to them?

Though these are signs of new relationship energy, the problem with such relationships I that you keep feeling this way even later in the relationship.

What can you do? Divide your time efficiently between work, hobbies, friends and love. Instead of being on long vague phone calls do meaningful activities together.

If you see multiple signs from the list, educate yourself about these toxic dynamics or seek help.

Ruchi Ruuh is a relationship counsellor who helps people form meaningful and secure relationships with themselves and others.